Damaged Hope
by McCarly
Summary: Carly finds out the truth, it damages her. Jason finally sees Carly and it gives him hope.


She always ended up here. She didn't have to think here, she could just feel. Tonight, it was too much. Too much pain, past, loss. She was numb and he wasn't home. Somehow that made it better. Maybe she could work it all out, before she had to tell him anything. Explain about, all the monsters in their world, the monsters that hurt their son.

But first she needed to get his smell out of her skin. Just knowing he had touched her, that she had let his deceitful hands on her body…. Her skin was crawling. It was like when Ric chained her to a wall like a animal, the only difference was this time it wasn't her body that was chained but her mind. In his lies he took away her right to feel and love… her right to be a mother… be a person. It didn't matter that he thought he was protecting her. Because all he did was make their vows into a joke.

She shied her cloths with no thoughts, other than getting clean and away from the offending garments that showed proof of the misdeed. She walked up the stair to his room, completely naked by the time she made it to his bathroom. She didn't turn the light on. She couldn't bear to look at her- self. She had let her- self be played. She had let her- self believe in love and happiness. She should have known better! Life had proved those things were for other people not her. Never her. But she lied to her- self again. Worse, her lies had hurt her kids… again. She never should have come back from Florida. She should have left him with Jason, maybe all this never would have happen.

The water on her body was like liquid fire, but she wouldn't turn the heat down. She deserved the pain. All the pain, she would take it all just to save her son. But no one was letting her do that. She needed the pain right now; in this moment it was all that was letting her know she was still alive. Time was always so cruel.

She placed her forehead on the tile of the shower as the water beat and blistered her back for her crimes. How could she not have seen the truth? How could he make love to her and not tell her the truth? Why, would he say is vows and then not even 24 hours later lie to her about the most important thing in the world? Did it all mean nothing? She knew her life wasn't worth a lot, but Michaels? How could anyone do this to a child they claim to love? Keep the truth from everyone who needed to know? Maybe this was her karma, for AJ, but surely Michael didn't deserve this?

When she finally washed his slim of her body she left the shower. Only making it to the sink, she knew he kept extra toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. Carly turned on the light to look for it, but stop when she saw her reflection in the mirror. For a moment all she could think was that it wasn't fogged, it should have been fogged but she hadn't bothered to close the door to the bathroom. Funny, she didn't feel the cold from the air, she didn't feel at all.

The woman in the mirror wasn't Carly. This person had no fire. This person was broken, lost, and sad. This woman was disgusting. Before she could think her fist swung cracking the mirror, but she didn't stop. She kept hitting his disgusting person starring back at her. Wishing she would die, she hated that woman. She didn't stop until she could barely lift her arms.

Carly walked to Jason's closet and pull one of his button up white shirts on. She didn't even notice the blood on her hands transferring to the shirt. She didn't even feel the glass that was imbedded in her hand. She moved to push a piece of hair behind her ear leaving her own blood behind on her cheek. She left the room still not able to think anything through. Still unable to feel. She was time, just moving forward without thought or feeling, without purpose and hope. And yet, still somewhere in the back of her mind, a bit amazed that one lie could pull her so far out of her –self.

Carly looked out at the city, remembering when Jason would read to Michael as she would watch on. She missed that peace. This place was always a safe place for her and Michael. Carly looked around absently wondering where that peace was, knowing it wasn't the place but the person. The day had robbed her of her everything, every hope, and now was stealing the last of her strength. As her legs gave way Carly laid on the floor. The moon light from the window washed Carly's body with its glow, making a eerie picture. Her blond hair spread out, the once crisp snow white shirt now stained in blood, her hands …. One at her side, the other above her head… both burned dripping with blood, and the blood stain on her cheek as she looked out to the moon was but a picture of the death she felt. All the while praying for answers and getting nothing but the silence of time.

888

That was how they found her. A moment now seared into Jason mind, as the fear imbedding in his every fiber.

Jason and Sam had been talking about the Jackel and the new PI they wanted to start up. If it wasn't for the fact he tripped on her shoes walking in the door.

"What the?" Jason moved to pick up the shoes… They were Carly's, he would know them anywhere. They where her favorites.

"Jason." Sam whisper pulled Jason from his thoughts but when he looked at her all he seen was fear. He followed Sam's eyes to the body on the floor, Carly's body. The air was ripped out of him, making the scream he heard in his own voice impossible. He nearly tripped moving as fast as possible to get to her. Even though he was only steps away it felt like miles.

For a second he didn't touch her, scared that her body would be as cold with death, as it looked. As his fingers touched her porcelain skin he felt her heat and whispered her name, her head moved to look at him and some of his air came back to him. She was alive. "Is she?"

"She's alive." He head Sam whisper 'thank god'. As he thought the same thing. But the look in Carly's eye s showed him how bad this must be. She hadn't moved a inch since she looked at him. "Sam can you get the first add kit and turn on the light. The kit is in my bathroom." He heard Sam upstairs. , Jason looked at Carly. "Carly, I need you to listen to me okay?" As he was talking to her he was taking in her injures, and noted the only ones there were where on her hands. "I am going to pick you up and move you to the couch, so I can help you, okay?" He didn't wait to her to answer he knew she was beyond words. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He wanted answers now but knew he would have to wait.

Sam came down stair and handed Jason the kit. "Your bathroom mirror… it looks like she kept hitting it. And there is blood on the floor." Jason nodded but didn't say anything; he didn't know what to say. "Do you…"

"No, but it had to be bad."

"Jason, maybe we should call Lainey."

"No." Sam looked at Jason knowing he wasn't going to like what she was about to say.

"I haven't seen her this bad since her breakdown, Jason. She needs someone…"

"She came to me for a reason. She needed me, I will help her. I won't let her fall." Sam nodded and watched Jason clean her wounds. " I wasn't there last time Sam. I couldn't help her. I can now. I can keep her from falling." He looks up into Sam's eyes and showed the pain and the love that Sam away knew was there.

"Than I will leave you to it. Call if you need anything." He nodded and went back to Carly, noticing that she had falling asleep. After cleaning her up and making sure there were no other wounds her picked her up and moved her to his bed. He needed her close. When she was settled her allowed him-self to look around the room and once again felt the air leave him of a moment. Her blood was on his floor. He followed the stains to his bathroom knowing what he would see but still not ready for the way it would make him feel. Helpless.

Jason cleaned up the rooms and then laid down next to Carly. No matter how much he wanted answers he knew she needed sleep. Her needs, where more important than his need for answers. He could wait. For her he could wait.

888

The sunlight woke her; the warmth of his arms helped her from crashing once again. She knew he was awake already by the pull of his arms. She let him pull her to him, she needed it…him. She felt the doll ache of her night's furies. But it was the moment she felt them that she remember everything and felt the tears cloud her vision.

"It's going to be alright, Carly. Whatever it is… " He had felt her sorrow and tears on his chest. But he needed to know the facts to make this better … to help her. "Can you tell me what happened?" Carly voice was a whisper of pain.

"I lost it. I found out that… that Jax knew who hurt Michael. He wasn't going to tell me." Jason stiffened in anger at the thought but also at the pain Jax had put Carly through. But he stayed quite knowing that she would keep speaking. "I heard him and _Kate_ speaking. She was telling him that Ric knew. All these people Jason they knew. They knew and they didn't do anything. He's a little boy and they didn't do anything." Jason rubbed her back as she spook but could feel the fury building in his blood. "My child's Step Mother is the one that is responsible for the shooting. Sonny's wife. " The ironic giggle froze Jason heart. Not sure what to do or say because of the consuming need to kill them. Michael Step Mother put him in that coma, Jason. And his Step _Father_ couldn't be bothered with the truth. What kind of monsters are we?"

"You are not a monster, Carly. You are a loving mother…"

"I never should have come back."

"What?"

"After Michael was born, I shouldn't have come back he was safe and happy with you. This never would have happened. Sonny wouldn't be anything to Michael, but a uncle. And you, you would have been able to protect him."

"We don't know that Carly. We don't know what would have happened. "

"I know he was safe with you. I know we are always safe with you. Jason, you need take chances with our lives. And I know what this business is and how it works and yes, it is dangerous but we were always safer with you." Jason wanted to object, he wanted to tell Carly it was wishful thinking but a part of him knew if they were with him none of this would have happened. He knew she was right. Sonny did do this, just like AJ killed Jason Q. Intention aside it was their recklessness with others lives that cause all this pain. Jason pulled her hand to him and kissed it. Asking her, without a word, what had happen after that. " I left, came here and you were gone. I … I needed a shower. Jason, I let this man touch me and i…. I just wanted to get clean. I got out, but when I saw her…"

"Her?"

"Me, but it wasn't me. She was broken and I didn't want to be broken not again. Jason?"

"Yea?"

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know. But how about we eat and then talk about it?"

"Okay." They got up from the bed and went down stairs. While he fixed something to eat she looked out the window. "I am sorry I scared you last night." Jason came out with the food and nodded at her. He didn't want to think about what he had seen the night before. It was too fresh. She had looked dead and in that moment he knew, if only for a moment, that he had lost her. It was like nothing he had ever felt before. Even with all the time she was sick he knew there was hope, but her looking dead he had no hope. He put the eggs in front of her at the table.

"So, Jax?" Carly took a deep breath, she knew they needed to talk about everything but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I love him, but I can't forgive this." Jason nodded. "I will call Diane; I want it over with as fast as possible." Again Jason nodded. Carly was grateful for his silent acceptance.

"Kate?"

"Honestly? I love to kill her." Jason looked up at her, telling her with his eyes she could have anything she wanted at this moment. "But that really wouldn't help Michael would it?" He shook his head and smile slightly at her. She had changed so much. "At the same time I can't just let it go."

"So?" Carly glared at him. And he smirked. He knew she had a plan.

"Crimson." Jason nodded.

"Seems like a lot of trouble." Carly nodded.

"She loves it, I want it. Besides I could run a magazine or I could let Maxie and Lulu do it?"

"Yea, but is it worth it?" Jason watched as Carly thought about what he asked her was it worth it. The answer was yes.

"It's a good business opportunity. Not, just for me but it would give Lulu something to do. Right now she doesn't really take anything seriously but if it was a family thing she would. Besides I think she will need a distraction when the truth comes out. Plus I want have to pay." Jason smiled at the last part, but it was how she thought everything that made him smile. She didn't just think about payback but about what it would take, she really had changed for the girl he met over Jake's. "What you're not going to tell me not to plan?"

"No. Ric?"

"You know the answer to that question. He just does so much damage and he won't stop."

"Done."

"Jason…" Carly started to say something but the look in his eye told Carly that he was going to do something about it either way. She nodded and asked to question they were both afeard of asking. "Sonny?" Jason rubbed his head and pinched his noise. And looked up at her. Really looked at her, but all he saw was expectance to the truth of fate.

"Tell him about Claudia, the truth but after that it just depends on what he does." Carly nodded

"You don't want the business, Jason. You should have to pay for …."

"Hey, I do what needs to be done. There are pros and cons but the truth is there isn't much of a choice. I can't walk away from this business. You know that."

"Yea, but just don't push me away because I can't survive that." Jason nodded, after last night he knew he would be able to survive it either. Carly went back to eating and it was the first in a long time, sitting here watching her that Jason thought they could have a change. They could work. And there was hope for their family.


End file.
